The Obdurate Angel

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 21:44:31 GMT

its been awhile, yeah yeah yeah....i know. I just can't seem to find the time lately. The time for anything. I just cleaned my house, top to bottom. Yet i don't feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel defeated.
I got a new boss at work. On the system of benefits for those you know, i got fucked out of my promotion. Hmmm....i'm not stupid and neither are a lot of the people i work with. How is anyone who knows what's going on not supposed to resent this new guy? It really fucking blows. and thats the only way i can describe it. I was so angry that there were three days in a row i couldn't get through without crying. My motivation to work and do a good job was shot. I pissed my new boss off becuase i wouldn't do an overnight shift in my section that he wanted me to do....well i didn't do it for a couple reasons...namely, i was in no mood to do any favors for some guy that just took away my promotion, my raise, my sense of accomplishment, my desire to do well. That and i had just done 3 overnights in the last 3 weeks, plus another set two weeks before those. I was tired. Jumping from day to night to day to night to day to night really fucks with you (and last time he asked me to do an overnight he promised he'd never ask again, and then he scheduled me for 4p.m. that day....off at 6 am, back 9 hours later....). It was the situation. I was tired and i was angry. And then he was angry at me. Oh well. I can't sacrifice my self for this job that is just shit. I have a right to say no. I have a right to stand up for myself. I will do anything for someone who proves to me that they are worth my time and effort, but i am very unwilling to help out someone who give me nothing. I don't even think he's a good boss. And his little protege has a napoleonic complex. he keeps telling me that we all need to realize that he's our boss. You just got here, fucker, you're asking us questions, and when we have other ideas, then you're the man in charge. then learn to do it all yourself. and he thinks that a) people will notice if he's wearing expensive clothing and b) that if it's brand name it must be en vogue. Hmmmm....sorry. your jeans look just like everyone else's, except for the tag on the back that says guess. and quit grabbing your goddamn crotch. A sure sign of a man with a small penis.

And then....there's this whole baby thing. I've never had a friend with a baby before. I don't know how to do this. I feel like a complete tool. She's got all these people hovering around her and i don't want to be one of those people, so i back off, then feel like shit because i'm absent and not being a good friend. But there's just too much going on right now. my mind can't wrap around all this. I come home from work everyday and i just collapse on the couch, dead to the world until i go to sleep. I can't deal with anything else right now. I can't. I can't think about school, even though i know that's where i need to be so i can get out of this hole. i can't think about my wedding that needs planning. I can't do my taxes so i can have some extra money. All i can do is try to get out of my life....live through the television.

I think i really need a vacation. Not necessarily to go physically away, but just some time off work so that situation leaves me alone. Relax, get this weight off my shoulders. Figure out what's going on with me so that i can handle shit like this. figure out what i need to do to get back on track. Figure everything out.

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 15:26:45 GMT

yeah, its been awhile. With christmas between family and working retail there just isn't much time. That, and i'm not living in the dorm with nothing to do anymore.

So, lets start from the beginning. Paul went snooping. He "was concerned" about me becuase i was being quiet and he wanted to know why. he read all about Mike and da da da....he was pissed, i was pissed. i tried to explain to him that this is where i express those weird thoughts....weird thoughts i wouldn't normally tell someone else, and that i have a flair for melodrama whe i'm writing. I was pissed not so much becuase he went snooping, but that he took away my haven and because what he read did not bring up more questions. But the incident is over and (mostly) forgotten.

Guess who came back to work? Chris! yay....um....wait....hold on....i thought you couldn't work with me anymore? Ok....so now not only can you work with me, but you can work overnights with me? That's very weird. very weird. I wanted to ask, but just didn't want to bring it up.

Before christmas i was talking to my boss and there was some off hand comment about me learning about the books and all the behind-the-scenes work that gets done. Well, it had been awhile, so i figured that that is all it was...an off hand comment holding no wieght. But a couple days ago she came up to me and asked me if i would like to take on more responsibility. So she said she would be training me on the books and on the opening and closing duties and soon i would be able to do all that by myself. No manager.....but there has to be a manager in the store. well, i guess i would be a supervisor. But even then i was thinking that they really don't have much room for me. we have 4 managers after all. But yesterday i found out one of my other managers is leaving. getting transferred to another store. which leaves....a hole. which i think they want me to fill. i don't know....it makes me nervous. There has been so much talk....talk they ask me to leave the room for. I don't like not knowing exactly whats going on when it so affects me. But all i can to is wait. I have today and friday off and i start my training on saturday, and train all next week. I'm nervous and god do i hope i don't screw up.

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 04:12:39 GMT

my head has been filled with such thoughts....I don't know where i am and where i'm going....i keep analyzing the past.

Sex....what is it? I keep analyzing what sex was to me. what it is now. I used to be such a sexual being. I loved all things sexual, especially flirting. I don't flirt anymore. Do i know how? I guess i never really knew i was flirting before...it was just the way i was around men. I used it for power. I sought to be on top of situations and sex was the only way i knew to be on top (Figuratively). I had power, a power that the men i talked to didn't have. They wanted me and i could either want them or not, and they would do a lot so that i would. My virginity was gone at the wee age of 14. To a guy i just slept with because i could. Because i needed to. Because at 14 i wanted to die but there were a few things i wanted to experience before i did. My stupid corny soap opera was discussing sex...two girls about my age, both with steady boyfriends....one has sex the other doesn't. The one who did envies the other girl for waiting for true love. So, did i love him? I don't know if i trust my feelings in love anymore. It feels like love and then it dies. I poke at it, but you can't bring something that's dead back to life. I hate him now. I despise him. I abhor him. Partially because i was so young and stupid i blame myself. But I blame him too. I always thought that consenting to sex could be done at any age, but maybe the law has it right. Girls under 16 (i think the law says) cannot consent to sex. And i think they're right. Not that any law is going to stop horny teenagers. But they have the right idea. I wasn't ready. But it has given me the experiences i have today, and i don't know who i would be without my experiences.

And goddamn him. The him that is always in my head. Love another and he is still there. I think...I really think that i am not over him. After 3 years, i'm not over him. And why not? why NOT? do you believe in soul mates? in fate? I don't know...but that would explain why he won't leave my head. I've told myself a thousand times that it wouldn't work out between us because my feelings are too intense for him. And because size does matter...not to the extent that most men believe it does, but more than most women will admit to. Pertaining to him, i want college back. He was right down the street and when i was feeling lonely i could call him up and spend the night with him. And sleep. And smell his smell. and feel comfortable. And then there's a whole nother issue here....the one i'm with. He's great and i love him. right now he's driving me nuts though. He has this cough, and if i listen to him cough a bit more I'm going to smack him. I know its not his fault, but it's annoying. he's home now...i can't keep writing.

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 02:59:29 GMT

Nope.
Crisis averted. But holy shit...how do people do that every month? waiting and wondering. I can't take it.

I had the dream again...i picked him over all else. Though it pained me, it's what i did. Why won't the dream go away? It's been almost 4 years. I emailed him to let him know i didn't ditch him....it really was an accident.

So...chris quit work. I'm not really suprised. whatever makes it better. But seriously...we hardly talked since the whole thing went down. about that....i think it's been enough time that i can safely talk about it. I was trying to piss her off. I admit it. I was angry, and i also wanted it all to go away. i was thinking that if i pissed her off enough she wouldn't be able to contain her anger and would show chris how much of a bitch i am. and then they would go away, both of them hating my very existence (oh, right...not hating...resenting :) ) I dunno though. I feel like a bitch. that's life. I don't live to regret things. I do what seems right at the time. It's led me some wierd places in my life, but has also made me the person i am today. But maybe i'm lying and i really do regret some things.

Fri, 21 Nov 2003 04:17:01 GMT

4 days late, suprisingly calm. But i wonder, how long will i have to wait? I'm calm because things were always messed up before, and now that things are back to that way, i'm not suprised i did an immediate regression to the old way. They kept me safe, those things with the rediculous name (just say it a few times...it sounds retarded) kept me safe before, so why shouldn't they now? Because i had such a great security blanket that i kinda took for granted. I keep wondering, what if? Can i do it? Will i survive? Will it crush all the dreams or create new ones? Just to be safe i'm being good until i know for sure. There's a party tomorrow night to welcome paul's friend back from the Navy...no drinking. And i'm stressed, so i want a cigarette, but i won't do that, just in case. I really don't think i am....what are the chances? not so hot. still should tell paul what's up. Don't really want to. I'm suprised he doesn't know something's up with me. I always find myself asking someone what's up repeatedly when there's really something up with me. maybe he does know but doesn't want to pressure me. oh well. how long do i wait before the waiting gets too intense? get a test...yup. But then i have to go out and do it, and i promised paul i wouldn't do that unless i told him, but it's a policy with me not to say anything until i know something for sure...after all, there's no sense in worrying someone needlessly. No symptoms, but no symptoms of not. I sit and i wait. And i wonder where i'm going....besides to the shower.

what a funny place the dream world is.

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 15:29:52 GMT

I was sitting at a restaurant, sipping a soda, getting set to go. There were some girls I didn't like sitting across the aisle. They started bugging me. I was not in control of my anger. I 'slipped' and my soda, which was now mostly ice, went sailing towards them. But it missed them and drenched H. I realized what happened and immediately went over and apologized profusely. She wasn't particularly mad. The cola was going to stain her off-white shirt if she didn't get it washed soon though. I went with her, back to her place, to change shirts. We rode the elevator up to her apartment and she slid open her front door. In the living room of the dimly lit apartment, three people scramble to cover themselves. One of then was her girlfriend. The other two were a younger couple about my age. The boy covered himself and started saying something in his defense. The girl just stared, eyes wide, looking scared. H ignored them all, like it was an everyday occurrence to find your girlfriend with two other people. I paused, said hello to the girl who looked so scared and followed H. We went back to my parents’ house after that. I was tired so I crawled into bed. H crawled in with me. The closeness felt good. But I could feel the tension. We wanted each other. We snuggled up together and she reached for me, her finger touching my sweet spot immediately...
The next morning I woke up, paranoid that I would be in huge amounts of trouble from my parents. But I was alone. I opened up my door just as H opened the door across the hall. Our eyes met and she gave me a knowing grin. We walked into the kitchen where my family was having breakfast. I was still nervous but H fit right in; joking with my parents like she had known them forever, aiding my brother in his making fun of me. Suddenly all felt right.

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 15:47:46 GMT

It's like a bad dream. You need to be running away....there's a monster or a killer or an ex boyfriend and for your safety or sanity you need to be running away. But you can't...you're either frozen in place with fear or it's like trying to run through water. The panic rises and rises....your heart is pounding, you break into a sweat, the tears start to roll down your cheeks.....until....you wake up. In the silence of your bedroom, in the warmth of the blankets, in the comfort of your own home. I can't wake up...this is real life.

Every morning i wake up with a pit of dread in my stomach. i remember feelings like this in highschool....facing your ex the day after he broke up with you, getting back a test you know you did horribly on. Except i don't know why this dread exists. i have nothing to dread. I don't want to get out of bed because i will have to face the terrible day...it would be easier to hide. I go through all my days never finding the thing causing the dread but it stays with me all day. I sleep sometimes 13 hours a night because i can...because time passes faster when you are asleep and you don't have to face anything. You're world can be anything you want it to be. Dreaming of happy things or just going through the everyday motions in sleep. My life is whizzing by me and i'm running through water. watching it go, mouth agape in horror, unable to do anything. wandering alone and confused. which way to turn? Previous definitions proven false. simple pleasures now come with huge consequences.

Fri, 17 Oct 2003 12:21:20 GMT

There's been so much going on...Twisting emotions and not knowing which way to go. Oh well...such is life.

I just got my insurance through my job. I have to look up where i can go for
basically any appointment. Its kinda frusterating because 1)i'm new to all this and 2) because all the doctors/dentists/optomitrists i used to see aren't on my list of people i can see. This blows.

Speaking of my job, they gave me something really cool. I am now a badged associate. This means i have all sorts of new powers that i didn't have before. I can approve changes that would have needed a manager before....the badge even says right on it "for manager use only." Sue (a visiting General Manager) said something corny like this is the first step on the long path up to management (blah, blah, blah) (she sounds like she's giving you a speech every time she talks....i wonder if she has any origonal words in her head or if they're all rehersed like that) I was bestowed with this honor after just 6 months on the job. That leads me to believe that i mights be doing something right.

My brother out in idaho called me up last week and said basically: 'guess what, we're pregnant. We want to tell everyone at the same time so we decided that we're going to invite everyone over to your house. K?' Well...uh...not really. That's 10 people coming to my little house....that puts lots more stress on me and i didn't want to do it in the first place, plus i didn't even know if i had to work. I was pissed off and stressed out for a couple days, and then the whole thing fell through. They finally just gave up and called each of their respective sets of parents. why didn't they do that in the first place??

I don't know...it feels like so much more has been going on, but just looking at it here it looks like nothing. again...such is life. You can't control every aspect and it's a whole lot easier when you just accept that.

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 01:57:28 GMT

This is where i get to bitch. If you don't want to hear it don't read this entry.

The first letter seemed pretty sane....maybe with tones of rage but still all was bearable. I think i responded in a fairly cool manner, not giving into the You're Psychos in my head. And then that last letter....what the hell did i do to provoke that? she is blaming all her life's problems on me.

a) is she blowing this out of proportion?? YES!
b) this is different than one of her little crushes...how does she know what's going on in my head? it might be different in chris's head, but in mine it was a stupid little 6th grade-style crush.
c)you don't have "crushes" when you don't know the significant other?? where is this rule and why have i missed it? Shit...i'm sorry for breaking your rules.
d)i didn't care if she was the extreme jealous part because it was a stupid little crush in my head and i didn't expect it to ever get back to her because i couldn't even imagine something like this happening (re:chris being so fucking stupid as to tell his wife)
e)Uh...that night chris was "only going out with me" we were actually all going out from the beginning...no ifs ands or buts. I asked scott to go myself.
f)It is not my fault her husband is not attracted to her.
g)nope...i am no other girl.
h)i'm sorry her feelings were hurt but look who keeps hurting them...Her beloved husband!
i)That whole he was late home from work thing was definately not my fault. He asked if we could talk, i asked what time he got off, he said five, i said me too, let's talk then. If he was scheduled to be home earlier i didn't know about it.
j)Holly lied. Yup, she did. That was her choice. She just knew that chris and i had something we needed to talk about and wanted to give us that time because there was this crazy psychotic bitch that wouldn't let it happen at any other time. No one asked Holly to lie, but chris thanked her like she had just saved his life. Does she want holly to pay? She's in jail for the next 28 days, so she'll just have to wait if she doens't think jail is punishment enough.
k)yes she is fucking paranoid. we were outside talking. And you wanna know the truth....that was the first time we were ever alone. Before this we had always been in groups and never once did our conversation involve talking about he and i or anything sexual, or anything even particularly flirtatious. It was all about drinking and cartoons and shit.
l)Again...it is not my fault that chris compares me to her. Not my fault he thinks i'm better.
m)if she knows her husband so well, why is this whole situation going down?
n)Am i supposed to ask every man and lesbian their current marriage situation before i can speak to them...are you married or single? are you experiencing and trouble with housework? any trouble getting along? Any trouble in the sack?
o)she needs to get off her holier-than-thou horse and say she fucking hates my guts. Aside from most likely being the truth, it would also probably make her feel better.
p)since when do you need to know someone to hate them? I don't know Dubya but i hate him.
q)her life is busy....that, again, is not my fault.
r)life is FULL of stressors one doesn't need or want. Karen is a stressor i don't need or want, but i'm dealing with it. If she can't deal with stressors that are neither wanted or needed she has got another thing coming to her.
s)after all of this, isn't she always going to question Chris? If it can happen with me, it could happen with anyone. So...get him in a world with karen as the only woman...how long 'till he turns gay?
t)I am not chris's babysitter. I will not tell him to go home. And she wants me to help her after all this? Like hell i will. I might just ask him out by myself....And then i'll ask him if he wants to fuck.
u)Yup. definately psychotic bitch.
v)Yes, i see her perspective, but i also don't think that she sees mine. I have 1/1000th of the blame. Chris has been a complete and total ASS. it isn't my fault she married an inconsiderate prick.
w)IT'S PAUL REALM TO PUNISH ME???????? i do NOT need to be punished, i did nothing wrong. And even if i did, he will not punish me. I will punish myself, if anything. I am no longer a child that needs to be punished. Maybe this is a lesson that could be learned by karen so that he husband stops desiring other women.
x)you want me to drop this after you just bitched me out and disrespected me?? HA.

damnit! i only made it to x! ha....maybe an appropriate letter!!! HAHA.

Her second letter (a response to my response)

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 01:20:44 GMT

I'm still very upset about all of this. Have I blown it way out of
proportion? Maybe. But then, if all that was going on was you had a
"crush" on Chris, and Chris had a "crush" on you ("crush" meaning all
fun, nothing will ever come of it and it's not even thought about what could happen...just kind of a flirting friendship), then I would have
completely and fully understood. I have "crushes". Chris knows about them. But that's not the way it was at all.

One, you don't have "crushes" with a man if you don't know his
significant other (same would go for Chris -->you). I don't know you. How am I supposed to trust you? I don't know if you really think it's all for the fun of flirting. If Chris flirts back I don't know how you're going to take it. How do you know that I wasn't the extreme jealous type? So that's where this all started wrong.

Then, of course, there's Chris telling me that he's going out with Jan, Scott/Steve (whatever his name is) and you, and that I'm not
invited...when at that moment that he talked to me, he was only going out with you. So there's Lie#1. (His fault though)

Plus, the day before, Chris told me that he's not attracted to me
anymore. He doesn't want to touch me or spend time with me. That really makes me feel great. I start thinking back to when he told me about his "crush" on you, and how I don't know you, blah, blah, blah (see paragraphs before). So, if he doesn't want me, does he have another girl? Are you that other girl?

Chris comes home from going out that night and he's all upset. He
tells me that he doesn't think that you like him. And you HAVE to like him, whether or not I do isn't important...he doesn't care about me anymore. So I tell him if he's not happy with me, he should leave. I'm not going to sit here and let him disrespect me while he goes chasing after other girls.

I'm really crabby with him the next couple of days because he can't
decide whether or not our marriage means anything to him. Finally he decides that he'll give it a try.

He goes to work, he's supposed to be home by 3:30. He doesn't come
home, I give him the benefit of the doubt. At 4:30 I call World Market and get Holly. Holly tells me that the store is really really busy and that Chris stayed to help her out. No, I cannot talk to him. He'll be home soon. Sure enough, he's home at 5:00, and he tells me the same thing.

I find out a week later that the store was actually pretty dead. And
that Chris did clock out at 3:00. But he waited around to talk to you. And of course, he didn't call me to say he was going to be late. Apparently after the first lie, I was just supposed to give him 100% of my trust back.

So now Lie#2 has both Chris AND Holly lying to me. I know about you
and Chris. If you're going to talk about it to straighten it out and put some closure to it, then fine. But what were you doing that Holly couldn't tell me? Am I paranoid? Yes, but I think I have good reason to be.

The man I love and dedicated my life to doesn't want me anymore. In
fact, he's decided that he wants another girl. He keeps comparing me to this other girl (how "Cara wouldn't get upset over that." or "Cara wouldn't mind that I play video games instead of washing the dishes."). I hate you...no I resent you. He thinks you're perfect, and I'm not.

So, now am I blowing this way out of proportion?? I don't think so.
Yes, if your side of the story is really what you tell me, then it is pretty much Chris' fault. But I am not going to say or believe that none of this is your fault either. It's pretty easy to claim innocence when so removed from the incidence, isn't it? I know Chris, he doesn't flirt with girls that don't give him some sort of signal first. I've known him since I was in 5th grade, that's the way he's always been. And I would have a hard time believing that wasn't the way it happened this time. Sure, you say that marriage is sacred to you and everything, but maybe you better be more careful of it next time. To send signals out to a unhappily married man is leading him on. That's not a good thing. To reuse your cliché, it
does take two to tango. So you are not completely fault free here.

But, I don't want to hate you. Hate is such a strong word. However, I don't want to like you. You are a constant mirror in my face of how
imperfect I really am. So yes, I resent you. But I don't hate you...I don't know you well enough.

Chris and I are putting our marriage back together. Taking it day by
day, week by week. But I feel as if I'm hanging on to everything by the last thread on earth (I also am taking 19 credits in school, work 30 hours a week, see an additional 7 clients a week for therapy, and direct the church's handbell choir). If one thing goes wrong in my life I feel as if the entire world is crumbling around me. You are one stressor in my life that I don't need or want.

If you and Chris never talk to each other and never see each other,
then I don't have to worry about that. He won't have anything new to compare me to you about. If the two of you never have the chance to be alone together, then I won't have to worry about what's going on. To your question of if Chris doesn't invite me out, shouldn't he come home to see me? Yes, he should. But that doesn't mean he wants to. He's lied to me before about it, so I wouldn't put it past him again. That's where I want your help. If he's going, ask him if I'm coming. If I'm not, tell him to go home. I shouldn't have to worry about it. And that should be enough of a reminder to him that he shouldn't be lying to me.

I'm sorry if I seem like some sort of psychotic bitch. I don't want or intend to be one. I'm really hoping that now you see things from my perspective. I don't mean to punish you. That's not my realm; it's Paul's. Don't change your schedule, if you two work together, then ignore each other.

I'm hoping that we can drop this issue now and really move on with our
lives. If you want to email back, go ahead, if you don't, i
understand.

My response

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 01:14:54 GMT

First of all let me say i'm very sorry for not responding sooner. AOL has not been very nice to me and has not let me connect to the internet for several days. I agree with honesty 100%....this is my version of the truth.

I'm also sorry for this whole situation. I feel terrible. But somehow i also think you have a few wrong impressions. Seeing as how i am engaged, and i hope to marry paul and be with him forever, i know how sacred a marriage is. I would never, EVER try to get in the way of one. that first day that Chris and i talked and he admitted to liking me, i realized the gravity of this situation and i encouraged marital counseling and trying to make this as easy as possible for you (which may i comment, he has NOT done....), ease your fears, etc. I told him that i would not be leaving paul or anything of that nature. I am happy with paul and i love him deeply. I do not think i ever encouraged Chris. As for my attraction to him...it was just a stupid silly little crush. Not the type that leaves you panging for that person, but rather the type that occupies your thoughts while you are really bored. We got along great and i was having fun having a new friend. I never had any intention of it going further than that.

i understand and respect your desire to have chris and i as far apart as possible. It is unfortunate that i can't be friends with him, but if that's the way it has to be, so be it. if you can pardon the cliche, it takes two to tango, and there isn't two when it comes to chris and i. I would not be apart of anything like that crossed any limits. However, as for us working together, i don't think there would be any problem with that. On account of how much chris has made me angry lately, i'm not really up for speaking to him. that, and it is a work place...we both have our respective working to do and it isn't like we could sit around and....whatever ( i don't even know....talk, flirt...fill in with your choice). but like i said before, whatever you think, i respect.

I agree with your rule-things...the things i can do to help. But i sorta feel like i'm being punished when i'm not really at fault here. As i talked over this situation with some other people it became apparent to all that chris was the more involved one here. Thus this is his problem and i shouldn't be punished for it. I don't think i should need to rearrange my work schedule and possibly lose money that is already scarce. anyway, we hardly work together at all, as per your request to chris. And i shouldn't be punished if i want to go out with the crew from work. I have no way of knowing whether or not you will be there, and i will be with paul anyway. And if chris isn't inviting you, shouldn't he go home to see you?? as for the last one, I've already said i'm quite angry with chris for how he has handled this situation and do not much feel like speaking to him, even for hi's and how are you's.

I'm sorry all of this had to happen. I hope that this will help to ease your mind a bit (at least pertaining to me). I hope you and chris find peace. I hope we can put this all behind us. Please respond and let me know how this letter has affected (if at all) you feelings pertaining to this whole situation. Also, again, sorry for the huge delay in my response.

Her First Letter

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 01:13:55 GMT

Cara,

I have some things that I want to say, but apparently (since I've
tried), I'm not bold enough to do in person.

I am still very confused about what went down between you and
Chris. At first, Chris tells me one thing, then later, some new development comes out. I feel like I'm still trying to get the whole picture. Now, I'm one for absolute brutal honesty. If you've got something to say, say it, one way or another. But it should all be said at once. And for me, I can handle good or bad...as long as it's honest. Which is why this is all so confusing and frustrating for me, since I can't seem to get a straight out, all at once, honest story.

Chris is upset because I'm having more trouble dealing with this
than Paul apparently did. But I hope you realize that there is more than what I think you know going on between Chris and I that factors into it. This just seems to be the culmination of it all.

See, I understand that Chris will be attracted to other girls and
that other girls will be attracted to him (as from what he says, I assume you are). The deadliest combination is when he's attracted to a girl that's attracted to him. Unfortunately, he didn't know what commitment and our marriage meant to him, and so he acted upon that. This is why I gave him the choice of leaving me. I did not want him to be in the relationship if he couldn't grasp the importance of it. But he decided to figure out and learn what it meant to be married, and so he stayed. And now we're working from there.

On to the topic of me "hating" you. Chris has let me know that he
made it clear to you that I "hated" you. I don't hate you. I'm upset that you would encourage him. I wonder if you know the meaning of commitment and hold marriage in the highest regards if you would encourage a married man. But I don't hate you. Granted, I did direct a lot of my angry emotion towards you. But that is because it is easier to be angry and upset at someone that you don't know very well and don't love. So don't take that personally.

In regards to Chris working with you, I don't want it to happen.
Again, not because I don't like you. But because I don't trust Chris
(he's lied to me twice during this whole ordeal, concerning whether he's been with you or not) and I don't know you (hence, you could not have earned my trust yet). If Chris tries to maintain a friendship with you, it's only a matter of time before this happens again. It's like dangling a carrot in front of his face. And because I know of this mutual attraction, I will always be questioning his/your motives, and it will make it all the more difficult for Chris to earn my trust back. I don't think I'm a strong enough person to let a friendship happen.

Chris told me that in your last meeting you asked what you could
do to help. This is what I want you to do:

1. If both you and Chris are planning to attend the same
bar/restaurant before/after work for whatever reason...make sure that I am going to be there. If I'm not, either you or him should decide not to go.

2. Make all possible arrangements in your schedule (I've already asked Chris to) so that the two of you will never work the same or
overlapping shifts.

3. If the two of you do happen to have to work together, keep it as
distant but cordial as possible. Conversations shouldn't extend far past "How's work, how's school, how was your weekend?"

I don't want to question Chris' motives for anything. And if
you're not in the picture, I shouldn't have to, don't you think? I said that I don't think I'm a strong enough person to let a friendship happen. But I also don't think that Chris is a strong enough man tom keep it at just a friendship...for now anyway.

So, with this out of the way, I think we can drop the subject and
get on with our lives. Please don't say anything to Chris about me writing you. He's afraid that I'll go and make this whole big scene and revert to German so no one will understand what I'm saying. I'm hoping I didn't just do that. But I will tell Chris in my own time that I've worked things out with you. Please write me back to let me know that you got this, and whether or not you can agree to my terms.

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 00:51:48 GMT

So...i just got an email from Chris's wife. she makes me sound like such a bitch...like i was intentionally meddling in his marriage....like i had said "leave her for me." i feel terrible. Really fucking low. I wrote her back and explained myself, but i feel that words fail. does she know i'm telling the truth? Does she trust a stranger enough to know when she is hearing the truth? I am alone and i have no one to talk to...to vent to, to let me know i told her the right things, to tell me it will be alright. I have an emotionless cold TV, dark windows and a dark spot in my heart. I really do feel all this, and yet i know i'm being melodramatic...i do that sometimes, don't i?

Cara's Dirty Little Secrets

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 18:45:13 GMT

* I have done a naked ballet dance to Metllica's Master of Puppets

* i volunteered to work the night shift...not for money or anything, but for the 'experience.'

* i am addicted to the shows Paradise Hotel and Days of our Lives...and can have full out conversations about the people in the shows.

* I need crossword puzzles to survive.

* Rachel and i used to do crazy fun things like go cart pushing and stealing and redistributing "Rainbow foods gift certificates sold here" signs.

* i talk to inanimate objects...a lot

* I love to drive my car with the windows down on warm sunny days, blare my music and scream at the top of my lungs...and sometimes i think i sound good.

* I used to do bad things to toads when i was a kid. We caught a bunch of bees and put them in a jar with a toad once...the poor toad got stung a bunch. we also made toads 'smoke' black cats....until the fuse burned down and both the toad and the fire cracker exploded.

* When i was really, really young (like, 2 or 3) i pooped in the backyard and blamed it on a dog.

* I applied to and got offered a job at Sheik's. I never did work there though.

* I am almost done with my christmas shopping...have been almost done for a month now.

* I am deathly afraid of Conan O'Brein.

* I have curly hair.

i survived

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 18:35:53 GMT

i survived. I survived working all night. I survived talking to chris. I survived talking to michael. I'm doing pretty well.

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 11:30:59 GMT

oh how quickly one's mood can change. I just checked my email...got one from chris. You see we are trying to set up a time for us to meet so we can discuss things. Basically so i can ask him one question...how am i supposed to act around you? There've been a couple go betweens basically asking eachothers schedules. then i get this one today...."And one other thing. Anything I tell you, and anything you say to me, will proceed directly to Karen, as verbatim as my memory allows it. That's all I'll say for now." Well that's fine and dandy and all, but why do you have to say it so you sound like suck a prick??? as if i'm going to tell him how deeply in love with him i am and suggest we run away together right then?? no, sorry. and would i change my mind about meeting to talk to him if i know it will all get reported back to karin? no. And why couldn't he just say it nicely when we met? i just don't get it and it's made me really crabby...prolly more so 'cause it's past my bedtime.

ahhhh....sweet nostalgia

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 11:14:14 GMT

i was at work today, unloading boxes, putting stuff on shelves. You know, the usual. i was unloading this one box when i realized that it was something i had known in my childhood. you see, there are these little cold packs that are in the form of a yellow smiley face guy with arms and legs and a blue guy with bandages on his head...then crash! it hit me...i used to have these books way back when...i think they were actually my brothers' but i inherited everything they had anyway. i used to have so much fun with these books....i went to the website and YAY!!! this is so elating. www.mrsneeze.com

Mon, 08 Sep 2003 01:08:15 GMT

Just a little under 4 hours to go until work starts. I actually got some sleep last night! Hurrah! When I sleep, I dream though. Last night I was in this huge house into which my parents had recently moved. I brought Chris with me because I wanted to talk to him. He kept holding me all close and kissing my neck with my family all around. My family that knows about Paul. They were all looking at me funny and I was all shoving him away, with quite a lot of vigor, telling him “NO! I just want to *talk* to you!” It was very strange...very strange indeed. This dream, like all other dreams of mine that take place in a house, had a weird spot to it. Frequently in my dreams this spot is a secret room which I have to find and/or keep hidden, or else it’s just a little funny spot. Like this house there was a spot in the garage that you could see all the way down to the ground three levels below. Because it is such a recurring theme I am convinced it has some meaning. Anyone got ideas about what a secret room has to do with real life??

So I did something last night...I emailed both Chris and Mike. I haven’t heard back from either yet (of course not!). When I put myself on the line like this it takes people forever to get back to me and frequently they don’t even do that. I’m concerned that Michael will be pissed at me for being absent so long. That would hurt. Or if he doesn’t want me as a friend anymore. That would hurt even more.

I guess we can only wait and see what happens. I pray for the courage to do what is right, and the strength to keep going.

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 09:31:29 GMT

I'm sitting online, reading reviews to The Catcher In The Rye. Apparently, everybody loves it. I still don't understand though. The best i can tell is that it is beloved because of the connections it can make to everyone based of feeling like an outsider in a world of phonies. I got this from http://www.aboutteens.org/BookReviews/book6.htm

"The characters in this book are so believable, you’ll think the author
has been crawling around in your mind. Haven’t you read or heard
something and thought: "That’s exactly how I feel, but I just couldn’t
put it into words?" That idea keeps coming to mind as you read.
This guy in the book fits in, but doesn’t really fit in. He conforms on
the outside--most of the time—but resists conformity on the inside
and resents the people he has to get along with.
Everybody’s pushing and he wants to push back, but doesn’t
openly—most of the time. Society says: "Get in step. Stay in line."
And he does—most of the time.
"But I’m not like the rest," he thinks. Or is he? He can’t figure out who
he is or what he wants to become.
The story may not grab you at first. Keep going! It’s worth the effort.
You think nobody ever felt the way you do about growing up?
Reading this will change your mind."

HA!

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 08:28:12 GMT

Four more hours to go. Just four more hours. It’s 3, I said I’d stay awake until 7. I’ve been up since five, when I woke up from a half hour nap. I haven’t slept for more than 3 consecutive hours in the past three days. I catch an hour here, and hour there. I can’t believe I’m still functioning. I’m tired, but truth be told, I don’t feel all that bad. Maybe I will at 7 when I finally allow myself to sleep. Maybe this is one of life's secrets: you really don't need sleep. My biggest hope is that I will be able to get some good, long sleep. I put a blanket over my window, so now it is very dark in there, even when the sun is shining directly on my window. Tomorrow starts the overnight shifts. I’m a little nervous. Am I going to survive? Will Phil and I get along? What type of music does he like? I spent a couple hours sorting through Paul's music tonight, looking for upbeat stuff i can burn onto cds and listen to. but what type of music does phil like?

I'm amazed at my tired brain's lack of an attention span. i'm bored as hell but can't do anything. I should clean....I get distracted practically before i start. I was peeved i couldn't sleep this afternoon so i went out and wandered around bed bath and beyond. There's just stuff there....and i wanted a potato scrubber. I decided i needed one. Because i had potatoes to wash. Why you can't scrub 'em down the way they did before we had fancy tools like potato scrubbers is beyond me. wandering around....I walk up to go to the bathroom. Heart in throat, pounding. There is chris and his wife. fuck. momentary get my bearings. i'm going to be focused on the bathroom and 'not see them.' I didn't want to confront his wife needlessly putting her in a terribly awkward position. Also, i still odn't know what is going on in Chris's head. So i went and i came out and there they were talking to paul. nervous, hard to make eye contact. I smile big and sweet and his wife and try to be friendly. Does she hate me? I'm sure she wasn't comfortable. I wansn't. i wouldn't have been if i were her. And when i came out she latched on to him. but they're so damned cute. He kisses her so tenderly. hmph. oh well. It just shook me up. I wasn't really mentally prepared for a confrontation like that. The more i thought about it, the more angry i got with chris. I was trying to let him not force his wife to face me. and yet, he did....needlessly punishing her. I still need to talk to chris. I talk myself into emailing him and then i talk myself out. I don't know why. email feel impersonal when it comes to matters like this, but i feel the issue is pressing so that i don't have to keep bringing it up and reminding us both of an uncomfortable situation.

I was thinking the other day...about animal husbandry. So there is a standard of perfection for any breed of show animal. you breed to attempt to obtain perfection. you choose parents that are close to perfection to make their offspring even closer to perfection. If an animal is too large, too small, too long-coated, too short-nosed, too discolored, it will be sold off as a pet and breeding of this animal is highly discouraged, frequently sterilized. this all led me to think of people in a time of 'politically correct.' First off, may i say that i believe that people are animals. Powerful, but still just animals. it would be a horrid infringement of our rights for anyone to say you cannot have children because you don't fit our idea of perfection. hell...wars were started over stuff like this. Also, people would be horridly offended. We teach our children to be accepting of those that are different from us (i am not saying for a second that this is a wrong practice). we changed terms like fat to overweight. We changed indian to native american. we don't want anybody to be offended. But if we are just animals, shouldn't we be treated the way we treat them? Or shouldn't we allow them the freedom we enjoy?

I really must apologize to all reading this for the senseless bullshit i have been writing. It's pathetic and i know it. but boredom is suffocating and i need an outlet. please forgive me, i know not what i do.

Sat, 06 Sep 2003 10:29:37 GMT

There is nothing to do during the night. I'm trying so hard to stay awake, but the boredom is killing me. Thank god for 24-hour grocery stores. And home depot opens up at 6 am. I'm trying to set my internal clock so i can work nights next week, but it's really difficult. I'm running on about 5 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I don't know how people do this. My bedroom faces south, so it's almost too bright to sleep during the day. I either need to throw a blanket up over the window or get one of those sleeping mask things. or maybe i'll just get myself so tired i'll be able to sleep standing up...then it won't matter how bright it is. I looked chris up on the U's website and found his email address and hell, his phone number and address, but i don't need the last two. I was thinking i should email him so that i can talk to him because i'm not going to get to talk to him any other way, especially because i'm on the night shift. Hey...the newspaper just got here. Can you believe they want over $200 to give me a paper for the year? I know it's not really that much when you spread it over a year, but it seems rediculous. So anyway...I bought a couple new shirts at Old Navy tonight. I'm wearing them and i'm thinking they smell like michael. I have never thought that old navy smells like michael before. Maybe i just miss him. He has such a distinct smell. I've never smelled it on anyone else. You know how when you work with people you get a little whiff of their smell? I've smelled lots of other people i know, but never michael. I couldn't even begin to describe it. Anyway, can you really describe a smell that one has never smelled before? Kinda like in city of angels, that cheesy Meg Ryan/Nick Cage movie....He's never tasted anything before because he's been an angel and angels can't do that, so he's falling in love with meg and askes her to describe what a pear tastes like. It's a cheesy movie, like i said, but i'll admit i cried a little. I'm a softy for cheese. Nothing like brie though. Fuck. I must be tired. I'm getting really stupid-corny. Not just stupid, not just corny....stupid-corny. I wish there was a book store open. I wanna get a new book. Not that i could read it right now...I'd be asleep in moments. But just 'cause. I finished reading the Catcher in the Rye tonight, a novel by JD Salinger. I really didn't get it. It didn't really have a plot. What plot it did have was highly inappropriate for classical school literature, but that's what it is. I'm confused. Like i'm missing something. It's just this kid telling a story of how he got kicked out of boarding school for the millionth time and isn't going home for another week so that it will appear to his parents as though he did not get kicked out. He is lying and being decietful to his parents, He hires a prostitute (though he never does sleep with her), he has incidences with a perverted man, he used the word 'fuck' about a thousand times, and it isn't written like a real novel. what it is written like is someone who's really tired and writing on their live journal. No, but really. It's a conversational tone, like how when someone is telling a story and write down what they say word for word. All the repitions like 'it was crazy. yeah, crazy.' Stuff like 'let me tell you.' i read all the books they told me to read in highschool. i even enjoyed half of them. and not a one sounded like this one. I think it has been taken off a lot of the official school reading lists, but it's still a summer extra for a lot of schools. It frusterates me. If i were to write a book, i'd put a lot more effort into it than somehting like this. But Mr. Salinger writes that stuff and he's considered a classic novelist for it. I wanna write a book, and i wanna write a better book than salinger. I should go find some reviews of the book. If i missed something they usually show up in the reveiws. Maybe then i'd think differently about the whole book and author. god! this smell of michael is really getting to me! So...anywho. I'm cooking dinner for my dad's birthday tonight. i gotta go to the grocery store and get what i need. Steak and new potatoes. Yum. Though i'm usually mostly vegetarian, right now steak sounds kinda good. hehe...but like i'd eat more than 3 bites even if it tasted really good. There's something funny in the flavor and something funny in the texture...mostly in red meat, but also in reheated chicken. I usually can't stomache it. I'm a pasta-holic. I'm going to get fat from all those carbs, or not, depending on what the new diet craze is. I really should go. I'm starting to feel loopy...wait, I have been for a long time. But Days of Our Lives is just as good at 4 in the morning!

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 18:16:20 GMT

Brrrr...It's not even nice cool fall weather anymore. Its downright cold feeling. But cozy-cold...like i don't wanna go to work, but rather curl up under my down blanket and read a book or play a few video games or watch a movie. That sounds nice, but alas, my destiny for today is work.

Paul knew something has been up with me for a few days. He really wanted me to talk to him about it. But i, of course, didn't want to. He had a good idea of what it was. I did end up telling him becuase my excuses kept getting lamer and lamer, to the point where i felt just stupid. He took it really well. I think that he's had too many female friends so he knows that girls get a little interested without it really meaning too much. He also understands that guys get crushes on girls....it's part of life. I think the biggest annoyance he had was that it took me so long to tell him. I don't really blame him for that. He suprises me every day. I was expecting to all sorts of crap. Instead i got: "i think Chris is a cool guy too. If it were possible without his wife being mad at you i'd say we should invite them over for a barbeque." So that threw me off a bit. oh yeah and

8. Chris's wife is so damned cute. Cuter than i.

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 03:45:00 GMT

These past few days have been a stressful bunch. I have been able to think of little else but Chris and that whole conversation we had the other day. I’ve been super-productive at work because there the stress over the situation is worst and my way of dealing with stress is working it off. Maybe I’ll earn myself a raise. (yeah, right) I keep thinking illogical thoughts like I should tell Paul because then Chris and I would be in the same boat. But what good would that do? Paul would be needlessly hurt and it wouldn’t do anything beneficial; it would just add all sorts of unneeded stress. So I try to be productive and think of reasons against a Cara/Chris relationship.
1. He’s married, I’m engaged.
2. If he were to break up his marriage, and I in any way contributed to it,I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
3. Marriage is a serious thing. If he broke it up, he would need all sorts of time to set things straight and readjust to himself as a single person. I’m not sure I could wait around like that, especially for something that’s not guaranteed.
4. Even if I could give him that time, I feel that would pressure us into a more serious relationship than had we hooked up on our own accord.
5. He’s a cat person. I’m allergic to cats. And cats kill bunnies.
6. We don’t know each other well enough to theorize, hypothesize or speculate what ‘could be’.
7. We really don’t know each other that well. We may have some initial chemistry, but we have no idea if we could even have a compatible relationship.

Today was the first time I talked to Chris since our little talk. I worried all day about whether it was going to be awkward, or if he would even talk to me. But he came up behind me, poked me in the ribs, and then proceeded to tell me about his first day of school. It all seemed quite normal. But I wonder if we were both questioning what the other person was really thinking... I was going to ask him what he wanted me to do; I could either try to stay away and be aloof, or I could just go about business as usual. By his gestures today I would guess that he is in favor of business as usual. But I still want to talk to him about it. After all, he could be putting on a front so as to try to save as many awkward feelings as possible. I would be perfectly capable of staying away from him…being nothing other than business acquaintances. It would suck but if that’s how he would feel more comfortable, that would be the right way. We could just cut our loses and go on with life. He must have considered something like that...I mean he told me he was thinking about getting another job so he could get away from me. That would make me feel really fucking guilty…I’d feel like a burden to everyone involved. The fact that he thought of getting away from me makes me ponder how strong his feelings for me are. That’s pretty serious. I want to talk to him so bad...really tell him how I feel, but nothing seems to come out right when I open my mouth. I write things better ‘cause I can organize my thoughts in a more concise manner. I’m considering letting him in here...something I haven’t even done for Paul. Is that wrong?

Sun, 31 Aug 2003 01:26:13 GMT

mmmm....pancakes. What a dinner.

So uh, yeah. Drama. But i realized something. Fall is right around the corner. The air turned cool and dry today. as i sat out on the sidewalk, i ripped apart the brown leaves that had already fallen off the tree. Alas, fall is eminant.

Fall is one of those times of the year for me. Just thinking about it makes me depressed. I always get depressed in the fall and my life always falls apart in the fall. And for some reason, i absolutely adore this time of the year. My birthday comes, there's a fresh start at school, the weather is my favorite all year, and the leaves are beautiful. There's also something beautiful about saying goodbye. Bittersweet-beautiful. In fall we say goodbye to the heat, to the freedom and we submit to the rigors of school and the cold.

I always slaughter my relationships in fall. Buut there's always a new one around the corner. That's a problem for me. I haven't been single in years and years. There have been many guys, but never a break. The sad truth is i don't think i know how to live without a guy. I'm dependant. I hate feeling dependant. But i don't know how to be by myself. It scares me to no end.

I don't want to go back to school. I dropped all my classes tonight, so that won't be happening. I feel sick to my stomach. If i really don't want to go, why is this so difficult for me? I think i just want direction in my life. I'm drowning without purpose. I pray and i hope everyday for divine inspiration or something of the sort; i get nothing. my whole life has been planned out for me so that now, when it's up to me, i don't know what to do. School is supposed to start in two days, and i have yet to tell my parents. i know i should, but i don't want to. If it were just my mom i'd be alright. But i have to tell my father too. I've tried for so long to be 'daddy's little girl.' Every time something bad happens or they find out something bad about me, it rips me apart. It feels like i started with X number of 'daddy love points' and every time he hears something he doesn't like it feels like some of my points are deducted. And it feel like i have no way to earn them back.

The big stressor of the day was chris, the guy i'm crushing on. he was in a funk today, and i asked him if he was alright. He said that he wasn't really, and went on to tell me a little bit about how his wife is so angry at him 'cause we went out the other night. He said he'd talk to me about it after work. So after work comes and we go outside and talk. He admitted to liking me, and said that it slipped out to his wife, and she knows and she's really pissed and has been a psychotic bitch for the last couple of days. I felt really, really, really bad though. I mean i like him. i felt guilty for liking him and for letting it get so far that it got to his wife. Marriage is a serious thing. I would never try to get in the way of that. I thought i was entertaining a frivilous fantasy, but it appears as though i am wrong. His wife wants counseling for them, i said he should try to work things out. He's such a sweet guy. i feel bad for putting him through this, even though it really isn't my fault.

This of course, with the realization that fall is vast approaching, made me analyze my relationship with paul. He's a sweet guy. Sometimes i feel great about it, sometimes i don't feel so sure. He's great...but he allows me to walk all over him. I try not to but he makes it so easy. I feel terrible for that. (pardon me for this...but it's an issue) The sex life has died. All i crave is to be wanted and just be taken. It makes me feel wanted, desired. The person who was best at that was nick. He was an ass in every other way but sex was great. Paul it's just hello, goodbye, goonight. Sometimes i wonder if i'm just too comfortable. Without him i wouldn't have that one person i can actaully fart in front of (mind you that's only if i'm feeling particularly comfortable), i wouldn't have my house. And then i get thinging about how leaving would hurt him more than words could describe. But there are times i feel too young for all this. I just wanna go out with rachel and party it up like we used to. But it looks like these days are up. And that's sad. I'm happy where i am. But i'm i just happy because i'm comfortable?

Times like this make me want to talk to Michael. I miss him so much. SO much. I feel an emptyness without him. I care about him so much. But i don't think paul would allow us to be friends. I don't want my friends regulated. Oh yeah. And i want chris to be my friend. I don't know what the fuck i want! I want my raychil more than anything right now. I want her and i to go talk...all alone. She is the one on this planet i love more than anything.

Mon, 25 Aug 2003 16:23:11 GMT

i have this little problem where i get these little crushes on guys. I know that i am happy where i am and everything, but sometimes i just have someone else who holds my attention for an extended second. Right now this guy is one of the guys at work (of which all are great 'cause they're all so sweet). Chris is his name. he's 23 and he's married. it's more fun if they aren't married...easier to fantasize. He's not particularly cute, but he shares my love of cartoons from a few years ago...the tick, tiny toons, ren and stimpy, animaniacs. Plus he just thinks i'm really cool. we do have a lot in common, we have a lot of fun talking and stuff. However, we all know that two people in a relationship who are too similar won't work out. but they can still have fun together....but usually as friends. he always talks to me about his wife and the crap they go through. She gets mad about stupid things and all sorts of other crap. I met her on saturday. She's so CUTE! cuter than i would have imagined someone like him with. and she's nice and everything. Bummer. ooh well. End of fantasy. better luck next time.